Saturday, May 19, 2012
yay joyce just told me that she won honorary mention in a russian essay writing contest hehe, and she wrote about me for the topic on friendship! :D wow! ((: i feel super honoured and touched (: it's so heartwarming to know that someone out there cares about me and thinks about me, even though we've been on different continents for the last 4 - 5 years, and prob for the next 8 years to come. really treasure our friendship omg, it's really amazing that we've been friends for 10 years already ((:
these days a lot of shit happens in school, but i'm really glad that i still have such rare but sweet moments to cheer me up (: really keeps me going (:
i think i'm performing for another event in june, at esplanade concourse (: playing piano accompaniment with grace! :D again, it's nice to feel so valued ((: and i'm so grateful for the opportunity too. (: these days, life gets really meaningless, and i really do need something to hold on to. I need to start believing in myself again, and start believing and trusting in people (that part is going to be difficult), trust in the saying that "time heals all wounds", and a lot more other things.
i guess it's always nice to look to the future, instead of living in the past all the time, like what i tend to do. i think that in the future, i'll prob try my best to retire early haha. and i'll migrate to germany! (yay! (: ) or maybe some countryside area in uk or spain or aussie or canada, hehe i'm still madly in love with the idea of living in a quaint little cottage in an area with sprawling foliage and beautiful trees.(esp the deciduous ones omg) and NICE WEATHER. haha :D
sometimes i wonder if it's just me, or are all humans in general very discontented with their lives? i feel like since the age of 19 i've been walking down this neverending road of regret and broken dreams haha. "choice" is a really ugly word sometimes, cos when you make the wrong choice, life is just gonna come and slap you in the face. every freaking moment of every freaking day. i'm waiting for the day when i can remedy the situation, but it's taking ages to come. but if all goes well, my next chance should be in about 5, maybe 6 years time? and i'm gonna do all i can to steer my life around. (:
one thing that comforts me: i think i'm starting to be immune to failures. haha i think this is a good but kinda sad thing. good cos it's gonna help me cope all the way through dental sch. sad because it makes me feel like i'm deteriorating so much that i've just decided to accept it as a permanent fixture in life. well done haha.
i know a lot of people out there believe everything in life happens for a purpose. i don't know why this is happening to me really. God, are you doing this cos you think i was so arrogant and thought i was bloody brilliant before or sth, and now you're trying to teach me humility? because you're not really helping me at all. i was always humble to start with, i never bragged to anyone about what i could do, or what i'd achieved at all. and now you're just destroying my self -confidence, like how people destroy unwanted documents -- tearing the papers to small pieces first, and then putting it in the shredder, until they're finally returned to nothingness. Or maybe you're doing this cos you want to make me stronger? I, who have always been so strong that i have never cried in public before except on 2 occasions for which i have a really good excuse for. I, who have always felt the need to hide my true emotions from people so no one will ever know what i'm thinking. you think i'm not strong enough? seriously? and by the way this is not helping either. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. but guess what, this IS killing me. so instead of killing me softly and slowly, why don't you just take me in my sleep?! or take me on the road or sth so i can just die quickly under the wheels of a lorry -.-
